but nothing let me pass through death’s door.
I had done the pills, even a loaded gun,
but none would let me see God’s only son.
only to be awakened in the morning by my alarm bell.
I hated who I was and I thought, Who would really care
If I ended this life of despair?
To the point that I knew my guts would rot.
As I saw the rivers of scarlet before I closed my eyes,
I knew then that I had caused my own demise.
And I felt a presence peering at me from overhead.
I rushed to it, for I had finally come to this,
And I saw heaven just ahead--this I could not miss.
And it spoke to me in a hallowed voice saying I should have stayed in the fight.
I laughed and said this is what I wanted all along,
That’s when the figure turned to me and said
He grabbed my arms and told me I had to see this show.
I was pulled back and watched as my father broke down the door,
And I saw his tears and the hurt that grabbed his core.
And asked himself what the hell did he do that was so wrong.
I felt pain that I never had known in my life,
And through it all I knew I could never escape this strife.
And as I walked through my mother I felt her unyielding pain.
My daughter, what have you done! Was I not there?
Did you not know how much we all cared?
And suddenly I was outside in a cloudy place.
They were dressed in black all lined in a row,
All weeping and sobbing making me want to go.
And I tried to speak but they did not hear a sound.
I could only see the pain that resided in each and every face,
And I so wanted to be away from this place.
And he spoke to me with sorrow—“ Oh you still don’t know.”
I shook my head and watched as we set out once again to a place unknown,
And I saw my little sister who now seemed so grown.
And I saw the look in her eyes of wanting to be free.
I cried out not her, not this way!
Oh, what can I do to make her stay?
But maybe she will be stronger than you, please remain stout.
I gazed at her wanting to undo all the pain that I’d done,
Just to save her so that she may see the sun.
And saw the visions of her life’s course.
The hospitals and the shrinks made for her own life,
Just because I could no longer deal with the strife.
Only so they can confront me later and ask why.
Every action I took had its effect on every life,
And I wish I had known this before I embedded that knife.
A little girl that was loved by my friends and family.